She's on the inside
by Kari Weatherly
Summary: A journal of a girl that allows you to really see what it's like to be on the inside of her life.No one really ever understands how much she goes through. Constant fights with her best friends, not being able to see the people that she cares about, and on
1. 1

Burning Inside

The fire shall ablaze in her eyes

When she hears your deceitful lies

Pain will slowly begin to spread

As she unconsciously begins to tread

Burning inside she'll never be through

Burning inside she can't stop loving you

Footsteps turn to ash, dust to dust

Scents lingering behind, death covered musk

Fire starts to engulf her, spreading from her palm

Seeping into her mind, ragging but calm

Burning inside it happened to fast

Burning inside when will this pass

Tormenting death and loving life

Helplessness and escaping strife

Searching for the one who broke her in half

Longing for the one who occupies her past

Bringing inside she knows where you hide

Burning inside she knows that you lied

She wants to find the one, her man

Despite that he's the only damned

Her attempts to escape her heart always fail

Stronger her feeling grow, a never ending scale

Burning inside, she's burning inside

Burning inside, she's trying to hide

Her fury unravels like time in wasted days

But this hate wont last, it always goes away

And as the droplets fall from the skies

The tears slowly slip from her eyes

Burning inside help her she's burning

Burning inside, to you she's turning

Loving you kills her all the time

But for you she continues to shine

Her feelings never seem to die

But for you she will always cry

Burning inside, she's burning inside

Burning inside, she's burning inside

01-01-05

Hello journal. I have received you as a gift for what passed as a Christmas this year. My name is Cho Chang. I am fifteen years old, and I attend Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. From time to time I will write in you to well, tell my secrets and lies.. For lack of a better word….I guess. I am attending a program called S.T.E.P.S. It's an after class day treatment to keep me out of trouble, because I stole a muggle car and was chased by the Bobbies…. Five of them to be exact. It didn't help that I was under the influence of this mortal drug called alcohol. So my life is pretty hectic, and I am glad that I received you. You're the best gift that I had gotten. I didn't even get a chance to see Harry. We've been dating on and off for a couple of months know. The only problem is that my friend Hermoine likes him too, and he's on my no contact list for S.T.E.P.S. So trying to keep a relationship going with out being able to see each other doesn't work very well, and neither does it when a friend of yours keeps trying to take him away. I love Harry. He was my first, and I'm glad that he was. Despite my program, I was talking to him today on the muggle phone. He told me that I had no idea how bad he missed me. My heart about melted right then and there, but I couldn't let him know that. So, I just stayed quiet. What else was I to say? It'll be another four to five months until I am allowed to see Harry again. I don't think that I can last that long. Hermoine will probably have taken him away from me by then though. She is already trying to pry us apart. She told me that Harry told Fleur, ( my best friend in the whole world) and her that he no longer wanted anything to do with me, and that he'd never date me ever again. I was smashed, but then I found out that it wasn't true. Which in turn, made it hurt even more. Oh, the poem at the beginning, is mine. That was just a little personal look on my life and how Harry makes me feel. We've been through some real tough times, but I try not to hold it against him. Its all water under the bridge know, and I know that he loves me. Others just don't see that yet. They tell me that I deserve better, but I don't want better. I want Harry, and only Harry.


	2. 2

1-12-05

Another day spent by myself, I guess you could say. Although, I have been practicing playing a muggle instrument, a guitar! I'm getting pretty good at it. I had started before, but just recently I took it up again. Harry has told me that he played bass guitar pretty good. I play electric, but I prefer acoustic. Goddess, I miss him so much. Fleur has told me that he does miss me and that he never said that he didn't want anything to do with me, but there's just that shadow of a doubt that keeps lingering above me head. I just remembered something that Harry had done. Well, he copied me, but he put a C in his leg, where as mine says, Harry II. There's a two there because that's how many times he's broken up with me and did some major damage to my mental being. But, as people say, don't dwell on the past. Instead, look ahead at what there is to come in the future.

Just a while ago, I talked to Luna and Fleur, and Harry (sighs) if you count five sentences talking. I guess Harry was going to go diking and Luna and Fleur wanted to go with hi. I'm supposed to call them back in awhile. I asked Harry about his leg, and told him that since he did it that he was dead. But he is evil because all he said was that's too bad, but if I said that, all hell would of broken lose! No fair!

Goddess, I can't get that stupid night out of my head. It all came back to me when Diggory came over and was helping me with the guitar. When I had first started playing, Harry had came up to see me, well get me. His Aunt Petunia brought him up here to bring me back to Fleur's house so I could spend the weekend. But this happened when I had first gotten my guitar so I brought it with me, and that night, I had been playing on my guitar, hoping and waiting for Harry to come into the room I was staying in and right as I was about to get up and go see what he was doing; he came in. It kind of made me feel relieved. To know that, he really did care and would actually come to check on me; to actually be with me. Of course the guitar was put away, and a more private lesson of ways to play happened! J he he….

Those were the days that I loved. Just being able to be held by Harry. I am just wondering if he is going to feel the same for me in 4 months as he did then, or as he is telling me as he does know. Goddess, I hope so. My parents don't like him all too much though, but they're almost in love with Fleur! So I know that I will be able to go down there and see them, it will just take time.

At the time though, I'm worried about Hermoine going down there this weekend. It's Harry and Ron's birthday party. Since Ron's is on the 13th and Harry's is on the 15th she's going on the 14th. And I know her well enough to know that she's going to be all over Harry and isn't going to have a second thought of me! As long as she's happy, it doesn't matter to her. But if I think like that, it's the end of the fucking world and she breaks down crying. Sometimes I don't see why I am her friend but then I realize that even though we don't say it, I need her just as much as she needs me. We do things that piss each other off, but in the end, we're always there for the other person.

It's kind of like when Harry and me first started dating. Harry dumped Hermoine for me, so we stopped talking. But the minute I broke down after Harry dumped me, I called her and told her what happened, and she was there for me to lean on. It was kind of awkward though, and I didn't know how to react because the person Harry cheated on me with was at my house… it was Fleur. She was (still is) my best friend, and I didn't know how to take it while she was still there, but I eventually cracked and she saw how emotional I really can get. The second time we broke up I yelled at him through tears, then stole a car, got drunk and was chased by the cops into a detention center and know S.T.E.P.S.

I know that this is a wrong way of thinking about all of it, but it was worth it. I was able to be around Harry that night, even though he had broken up with me. Later on I came to find out that every minute he had been around me he had been regretting what he had done, and wanted to take it back. I guess it goes to show how two sided people can be. You can say one thing but mean another……I know that I have. Harry was talking about how he had been thinking about breaking it off with me, and I didn't think I could deal with feeling the pain again, so I broke it off first. I cried for weeks straight, especially when I found out that he was planning on moving because he " had nothing left to stay for anymore." But to my relief he didn't move. I guess this is true too: you never know how good you have it until you almost lose it!

1-14-05

Some times I just wish that I didn't have to be here. I am going through so much crap right know. I'd rather not be here. And every bad thing that I expected to happen is happening. Hermoine has Harry, but what's new. There's part of a song that reminded me of it. It''s by Eamon( a muggle artist). It's something like...: I may not be your man baby, but you know that I'm driving you crazy, that's why you'll fuck with me for the rest of your life...It reminded me of how it seems that somehow... that's what me and Harry will do for the rest of our life, fuck with eachother. It hurts to think about it. I called him tonight and "she" answered the phone, said " oh hell no, she aint calling", and then hung up on me. I called back about 10 minutes later and she said she was mad at me, I'm not quite sure why unless she found you. Oh well, if she found you, then she brought this upon herself. But I called back and Harry got onto the phone. He started to say something along the lines of he was sorry, but I told him I didn't want to hear it, and at the worst time possible, my phone died. I still haven't talked to him yet, I fell asleep. It was one of those sleeps where you keep waking up though because you know how bad your life sucks. Also, my cut kept hurting.. the other day I did it.. It say LIAR.. and it makes perfect sense. What else is the world other then a liar. Every one does it, and every one will... I just wish that I could change everything in the world but I can't. But I do know that I can change me, and I have to make my own choices. Starting with this: I have to decide if I am going to stop talking to Harry, Fleur, and Luna. If I do, I'll be alone for 4 months, but maybe then they will be able to tell me if they really do want me in their lives.


	3. 3

2/13

Too much time has past since my last entry, and I'm sorry for that diary. There is just so much that has gone on, and I can't honestly say that any of it was good. Harry and Hermoine are still together, but Hermoine and I aren't friends any more. I just got so fucking tired of all her shit! First, it's all good. She'd say shit like, that's okay if you still have feelings for Harry, so do I, but I think we should both just give up on him anyways. He's just a plaything. But then, right after that, she'd be all over Harry, telling him that he's the world to her and that she'd give up everything just for him. She is such a fucking two faced bitch. I remember right after Harry and I had sex (my very first time), she started bitching at me telling me it was the biggest mistake I could have ever made. But once they started dating again, all she could get out of her mouth is how much she thought he was the one, and how she wanted to lose her alleged viginity to him. That's a bunch of cock and bull. She isn't a fucking virgin. She lost it to some dumb ass guy in a swimming pool. What a cunt. Diary, I'm sorry. This is the first time I have been able to express how I truely feel towards her. It's hard for me to say this, especially after how bad, and how many times Harry has hurt me, but he's too good for her. He always will be. She's trash. She cheats on everyone and anyone. At one point she was going out with this guy, Justin. He's almost a brother to me, and she had been dating for him almost two months. Then, one day she cheated on him with both Ron and Curtis, all in the same fucking day. I can't believe that anyone could actually do that. I don't see how it's possible for someone to cheat on the person that they're with. Yeah, I can admit that I have helped others cheat, but not once have I ever cheated on my boyfriend or girlfriend (for all of you that didn't know, I'm bisexual). But I think it's kinda bull shit because they are together right know, but she is always on this stupid dating service at or sumthing like that looking for someone to "get" with. When it's time to switch classes know, when ever I see her in the corridors, I feel a sense of pity for her. Not as much hatred as you would think, but that's because I can see where she is going to wind up...all alone. There is going to be no one left for her to run to in the end because her stupidity is going to push everyone away from her that once cared for her. She's already lost me, and she is starting to lose even more. There is this one chick, Jessica, whom I have potions with, and she doesn't even trust Hermoine staying at her boyfriends house (he's a muggle) because she knows of her past. She was talking to me about it today before class started, and said that she doesn't see how anyone could continue to trust her because of what she did to me. Padma said the same thing when Parvati pulled this joke on her. She called up Padma and pretended to be Harry. She asked Padma if she would ever date her (Harry) again, and Padma said that she couldn't find it in her to do that to Cho(me). That pissed Hermoine off big time because she's known Padma longer. But like I said, people are going to start walking away from her. She's too self absorbed. She cut her fucking wrists when she gets mad at her damn parents! That is a fucking waste of flesh and blood. Oh, before I forget, I have to tell you what I did! () A couple weekends ago, I went to this muggle party in London, and Hermoine was there with Harry. That alone pissed me off because Harry was supposed to go with me, but I went with Fleur instead. Well, Hermoine had to piss or sumthing, so I grabbed Harry and dragged him out side and we left leaving that stupid bitch there all by herself. I even got to make out with Harry all the way home. Some might find this mean, but if you knew her the way I did, you'd find it to be the perfect punishment for her crime. I wonder how tomorrow is going to turn out, it's Valentine's Day. A day I have grown to hate after spending year and year alone, and finding my only comfort in a blade. Maybe I will make my new mark to resemble my individualist this year. In other words, something to remind me that I was yet again, all alone. So what should it be? Love, alone, or broken? I'm going to need some advice for this one. I am thinking love though, it'd work better. Only because I am in love, but yet I am still all alone on the one day of the year that is mainly to show your love for others. I hope that I get to see Harry tomorrow. They have been coming up to see me no ocassion durring the night. Well, I had better get to work on my new art project. Skin and blood being the tools.

2/14

Oh, how did I know that I would feel so much like shit today? Oh, maybe because I am alone? God, I miss him so much it hurts even in my first conscious moments of the day. He seems to always be on my mind, and it spreads through out me like a plague durring the day. There is just so much stupid shit that reminds me of Harry. There's this kid in my defense against the dark arts class who has hair just like him, and it's pathetic I know, but it takes all of my strength and will power to keep from crying when I am around him. I haven't started working on my new art project, but I'm going to start on it when I'm done with this entry. I think that I am going to put it some where near my heart, so that it gets the point across you know? Like right above my left breast. That's a good spot...LOVE. How much everyone wants it and then lets it hurt them devouring them whole, but never wanting it to stop. It's a blessing that all want, but a disease everyone wishes to get rid of but never can. After four months of not dating Harry, I think that my feelings for him are serious because I still feel the same for him as I did the day that I was last with him. Actually with him, that is. Well, gotta start my new scar. I will update later.


End file.
